


My Knees Are Bent Like The Corner Of A Page (I Am Saving Your Place)

by Of_Heaven_And_Hell



Series: Something New [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Clarke's sad, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Lexa's angry, M/M, Multi, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-05-17 20:47:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5884615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Of_Heaven_And_Hell/pseuds/Of_Heaven_And_Hell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So basically, I got inspired and started wondering what the 100 would do if their world included soul mates. The marks are each other's names on a part of the body. They're basically a scar carved into the skin.</p><p>Each pairing will be a separate part of the "Something New" series and will all likely have multiple chapters. The timelines may/ may not match up. These are the stories of how they find, love and lose each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Am Outside (And I've Been Waiting for the Sun)

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clear up since Raven's story isn't out yet: Raven, Anya, Finn are soul mates. Anya and Raven are also soul mates with Kyle (who the 100 have not met yet.)

"It's off, Clarke" Octavia whispered, catching the blonde's attention and ending the silence that had fallen over the group.

Clarke looked down at her hands; they were cracked and red from constant scrubbing but sure enough they weren't covered in blood, Finn's, anymore. That mattered little to her however, and she continued washing them. The blood wasn't there anymore but she could still see it, still feel it, and she wanted it gone. Looking up at her friends, minus Raven and Anya who chose to grieve on their own, she let out a chocked sob. She had been scrubbing for an hour and she still couldn't get it off. She couldn't get it off and she couldn't save her father and she couldn't save Finn, not that it was really her responsibility. He wasn't hers, despite how much she had wanted him to be. In her defense, Finn had never told her about his soulmate, Raven, until the damage was already done. She had tried to stay away from him, but the brunette had always begged her to come back to him, and so she always had. She had no idea why, despite many sleepless nights where she tried to figure it out.

Maybe it was a way to escape the pressures of leading. 

Maybe it was because he had been able to figure her out in a way only Wells had before.

Maybe it was because she was already seventeen, her soul mark was nowhere in sight and she was really, really lonely.

Maybe it was as simple as him being her first time.

Maybe it was every one of those reasons all at once; Maybe there was no reason at all. 

Either way, she had fallen in love with him. It wasnt a perfect love, a soulmates love, but it was enough to fill a little bit of the void in her. So, even when she found out about Raven she stayed; making excuses for him and for herself. Rationalizing that it wasn't fair for Raven to get three soulmates when she her's likely didn't exist, or had died before she met him.

Clarke knew that that wasn't fair, not that she actually believed it anyway, but she needed some excuse to keep herself from going crazy with remorse. Like she was now.

The blonde knew she was hysterical, but she couldn't help it; she had loved him and she had lost him and now she had killed him. And his blood was still on her goddamn hands.

She felt a hesitant hand on her hair and looked up to see Murphy with an arm awkwardly held out, stroking her as a toddler might do with a puppy. She still didn't trust him, or like him for that matter, but she knew he was a hard worker and he made Bellamy happy, for whatever reason. Their mating had come as a shock to most of the camp, but anyone looking at the two now could see that they love each other; just by how loaded the looks they exchange are, just by the way they move with each other, without even thinking about it.

She saw Bellamy move forward to thread his fingers through Murphy's hair, and she felt her loneliness so acutely in that moment that it actually hurt. Fresh sobs bubbled up and she leaned into Murphy's embrace.

"Hey, Clarke, Lexa wants to meet to discuss the alliance," Lincoln's voice piercing her thoughts. "She isn't one to wait."

She sighed, looking up at Bellamy for help. "Go on Princess, we'll all be here when you get back."

With the help of her friends, she managed to stand. Octavia helped her look as if she hadn't been crying for an hour, and Lincoln accompanied her to the commander's tent. On the way, they exchanged small talk about alliances and how truly dumb the name Arkadia is.

"Lincoln, you don't have to be nice to me. I won't tell Lexa," she whispered. She'd always liked Lincoln, he was all bravery and loyalty, but she wasn't sure what he thought about her. She had been with Finn, even when she knew about his soul mate; a crime that would have had both of them killed in Grounder society. Especially considering the fact that Finn was also Anya's mate, who is one of his closest friends.

He gave her a questioning look, and so she elaborated, voicing her thoughts.

Lincoln stopped, resting a hand on her shoulder. "Look, Clarke, you have to stop punishing yourself for things you've already been punished for. You made a mistake," He saw the girl's disbelieving look at that, " Okay, you've made a few. We all have. Finn's paid for his ten times over and now, so have you. Nobody's counting them against you anymore."

"Raven is."

"Raven will heal. Anya will help her, and so will Kyle when they find him. Anya and I had already told her Finn would die, it was not normal for Finn to not share Kyle's mark, as Anya and Raven did. The only way would be if he never met Kyle."

"What about Anya?"

Lincoln sighed once more and began walking again. "You know grounders have strict laws regarding soul mates. She stopped loving him long ago, but I know she still grieves for him."

Clarke didn't know how Anya could just stop loving a soul mate, from everything she had heard it was an automatic thing that couldn't be stopped, but grounders had always had almost super human willpower. Whereas she seemed to have no willpower at all.

Tears sprung to her eyes but she pushed them down. The tent was coming into view and she had to appear strong, like someone worth forming an alliance with. She wiped her sweaty hands on her pants, shuddering a little when the moisture reminded her of knives stuck purposefully between ribs.

Lincoln opened the flap for her, and she thanked him with the squeeze of a hand. She stepped inside, practically seething with anger. She wanted to tear Lexa apart for forcing her hand. She wanted to kill her, make her feel what Finn had. She wanted to keep her alive long enough to make her feel what Raven felt now. She was suddenly filled with an unstable kind of joy when she remembered how Lexa's mate, Costia, died. It wasn't enough, but it would do.

She looked up, preparing to say the spiel Lincoln had helped her memorize. The words had just started to fall from her lips when she locked eyes with the woman.

Immediately, her adrenaline skyrocketed and her heartbeat increased, as if it wanted to escape it's cage. She fell to her knees as pain crept onto her chest, knocking the wind out of her. Someone's gentle hands helped her stand again. She looked up, expecting Lincoln, but finding the commander instead.

It only took another second for the realization to hit her, but when it did she threw herself out of the comforting arms and back onto the ground.

"Get away from me," Clarke seethed, crawling backwards towards the tents flap. This wasn't supposed to happen, not like this, not with her.

"Clarke, please. I think it would be wise if-"

"I think it would be wise if you stopped fucking touching me." Clarke stopped near Lincoln's legs, seeking comfort and hoping the man would help her leave, to camp or literally anywhere else.

Lexa grunted at the smack Clarke had given her. Clarke knew that it hadn't hurt but she reveled in the sound. Lexa quickly composed herself, screaming for her men to leave her. When everyone but herself, Clarke and Lincoln had left she looked back down at Clarke.

"That was extremely childish. How can you expect our people to trust in your ability to lead them when you act that way?"

Clarke almost choked at Lexa's words. "I don't want to lead your people. I don't care what they think of me, and I don't care about you."

Any emotion left the commander's face at the words. She straightened herself up before speaking on a monotone voice. "I understand that you are upset about the boy but he deserved it, and not just for the slaughter of Nyko's tribe. In fact you did too, and you are lucky that you both did not suffer a worse fate. My people do not tolerate the breaking of soul mate bonds and I will not tolerate rebellion from my own mate. You will pull yourself together, you will perform your duty to your people and you will perform your duty to me."

Clarke didn't know how to respond to the speech. The words pissed her off almost as much as the sight of her name on Lexa's palm. There was no way in hell she would ever be compliant to Lexa. There was no way in hell she was staying in this damn tent.

The pain had subsided enough for her to stand up. She really hadn't thought the action through, because it placed her much too close to the other female. She had to tilt her head back to make eye contact with Lexa. She had always known the commander was taller, but it had never been as apparent as it was now. A strange, horribly large, part of her wanted to hug the brunette. Instead she stared straight at her and spit directly into her face. Then she turned on her heel and ran out of the tent.

She didn't stop when she saw Lexa's warriors, or when she heard Lincoln behind her. She didn't stop at all until she reached her tent, where her friends were still gathered, and ran straight into Octavia. She cried so much she made herself sick, throwing up all over her clothes and the dirt floor. Murphy and O held her hair back, rubbing soothing circles onto her back as she curled up in her own sick.

"What the fuck happened to her?" Bellamy interrogated Lincoln.

"She met her mate." The man stated as he sat on the edge of her bed, placing his head in his hands.

Nobody wanted to ask who it was, so they all sat in stunned silence. They'd all thought Clarke was one of the Mateless. Eventually, the blonde sobbed out the name Lexa, causing everyone's attention to go back to her.

"Will we have to get by without the alliance?" Bellamy questioned again.

"No, Grounders believe it is the dominant mate's job to protect the other. Lexa is likely announcing the Skïkru's addition to the correlation now. Clarke will be the only one who loses in this situation, unless Lexa cannot control her people. If they see Clarke treat Lexa as she did tonight, they'll say that she can't lead her mate and therefore cannot lead her people either. If that happens, Lexa will be executed and the skïkru will once again be a target of war," Lincoln's voice sounded strained. He sighed before continuing. "We have to make sure none of Lexa's clan learns about Clarke and Finn. If they do, there isn't much hope for any of us."

They all knew what he meant. Lexa's people were not understanding, and they didn't give second chances. Clarke's mistake would be seen as an act of war- against both Anya, their former leader, and Lexa, their current one. Translation: they were all screwed. However, the conversation seemed to only stress Clarke out more so they all quieted once again. Lincoln and Bellamy left after a goodbye to O and Murphy, seeking to speak to Anya about the issue. Monty, Miller and Jasper, who had all been uncharacteristically quiet, left after wordless goodbyes to give Clarke space.

Said person sat up, tears and vomit running down her face and stuck in her hair. Murphy and Octavia helped clean her up, get her changed and situated into her sleeping bag. 

"I don't deserve her," Clarke spoke, startling the two. "She's heartless and rude and doesn't care about anything other than her stupid fucking people and yet she's still so much better than me. She's still too good, too beautiful, and I don't deserve her, I don't deserve anyone."

"That's not true, honey." Octavia settled into the bed beside her.

"Yes it is. I've made too many mistakes, in every part of my life, and now everyone is probably going to pay for it." Clarke was sure she'd never cried as much as she had today. She was exhausted so she snuggled closer to Octavia, her loneliness flaring up again as she realized Octavia was not the girl she wished to be cuddling with, and allowed herself to drift off. 

She ignored O's comforting words and Murphy slipping out to tell Lincoln that Octavia wouldn't make it home tonight. She ignored the problems that would be faced tomorrow, and even Finn, who had tried to creep into her thoughts. 

In fact, she ignored everything but the feeling of another person's arms around her and the raised, sore letters that now permanently resided over her breast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos/comments are greatly appreciated if you like it and I can be reached at my tumblr for prompts or whatever: devotedlydecaffeinatedtyrant


	2. The Truth is in Your Eyes (And It's Hanging on Your Tongue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa actually spend time together, but Clarke's problems persist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry if this chapter is kind of sucky, but it gets much better from here (at least I think so)
> 
> Title from paramore's song decode.

When Clarke woke up, headache pounding, she remembered the events of yesterday much sooner than she would have liked to. She turned her head towards the sound of shuffling, finding Octavia seated on the floor if her tent, putting on grounder makeup . It reminded her of Lexa, but to be fair, everything reminded her of Lexa. The outlines of trees that could be seen inside her tent, her sleeping bag that matched the brunette's eyes, the pain in her neck from sleeping wrong. Anywhere she looked she saw her, and that made Clarke want to squeeze her eyes shut, block it all out, but she figured that then she'd really be able to picture her mate. So instead, she mumbled a quiet 'Morning' to O, in hopes of distracting herself.

The younger Blake turned around, face lighting up as she saw her. "Oh, hey, I was just gonna get us some breakfast. Want to come?" She asked.

Clarke very much did not want to come; in fact she hadn't planned leaving the warmth of her blankets all day, deciding to let someone else play leader for once. She knew that'd make Lexa disappointed, and that was exactly why she'd chosen to do it. Or maybe that was why it was so hard for her to go through with it, why she ended up saying yes to Octavia. (She told herself it was just because she needed painkillers from the infirmary anyway.)

(She was a liar)

 

The two waited in line, bright sun glaring down at them as Octavia was telling an elaborate story about how much Clarke snores that resulted in the blonde insisting that she did not, in fact, snore at all.

"So," The brunette began sarcastically, "which of the lovely options are you going to go for? I'm thinking panther intestines, you know, for protein."

Clarke looked up at the choices and sure enough, both soups were pale, unnatural, and quite frankly disgusting, shades that smelled nowhere near as good as they looked. She directed her vision back to O who merely winked. "Dont worry," she whispered, "Bell swears that they aren't half bad. Not that he has good taste." She jokes, eyes turning to Murphy at the last sentence. The implication was so rude that it pulled a chuckle out of the blonde, which quickly turned to the real kind of laugh that hurts your stomach and leaves tears in your eyes. Octavia joined in, gasping for air by the time Murphy reaches them. The rest of their friends arrive, looking only mildly terrified by the uncontrollable giggles erupting from the two.

"Glad to see you're still in good spirits." Raven's voice instantly snaps Clarke back to reality. She looks at the mechanic, who is all limp hair and under eye bags, and almost doesn't recognize her. The blonde opens her mouth, maybe to apologize or maybe just to stop this new silence, but the words catch in her throat and Raven speaks for her as she pushes to the front of the line. "Dont let me stop your fun, I never have before."

Clarke sighs and leaves the line without getting her food, sitting on a nearby log. It seemed unlikely that Raven was ever going to forgive her. She couldn't blame the mechanic, but it still hurt. Her head comes to rest on her knees as she surveys the camp. Pride wells up in her as she sees all that her people, her family, have accomplished. Their home has changed and improved so much in the short time they've been here. The people have too.

She hasn't.

She still feels like the same broken girl who fell down here in the first place; still feels like the empty teen who filled herself with someone who was never meant to be a part of her.

A hand on her shoulder startles her and she turns to see Murphy, who silently pushes a bowl greenish liquid into her grip. She notices his own empty hands, how they shake, as he sits next to her. "Not hungry?" 

"Don't think I could hold it down." He whispers. Something about the answer surprises them both, maybe the honesty or the way he can't hold her gaze when he says it. She suddenly feels bad about laughing at him this morning. Of course, Octavia was only joking- she'd been fiercely protective of him since his and Bellamy's mating- but something about his expression knocks the wind out of her, replaces it with remorse.

She isn't given a chance to recover because she sees him, across the fire. Finn. He's staring at her through the flickers and she only just manages to keep herself from falling off the log. She vaguely registers Murphy talking to her, but her heartbeat is so loud she can't hear him. Finn only looks at her, eyes cold in the heat of the flames. His leg twitches and she's afraid that's he's going to come closer, but he merely disappears as someone shakes her shoulder.

Coming back to reality, she hears the commotion. The gates are screeching as people yell for her and Bellamy. She looks back to her approaching friends before running to the sounds across camp. She hears them behind her, and it isn't long before they all stand in front of the gate.

It is half closed but she can still see the troop of grounders on horses adorned with detailed skull masks, Lexa standing on foot in front of them. Clarke's blood runs cold as she figures the grounders must have found out about her and Finn. They'd found out and now they were gonna kill her, and maybe slaughter all of her people too. She's more startled by the relief that flows through her than she is by her oncoming death.

Both sides continue to argue without realizing her arrival, until the commander sighs and holds up her hand, palm outstretched towards the Sky People; showing off the name written there. "I am here to be in the company of my mate." The leader speaks, voice echoing across the tiny camp.

All eyes turn to Clarke and she wishes the Earth would swallow her up. She wishes that they had been here to kill her after all or that she'd never gotten out of bed in the first place.

There was silence, as they all processed the information. The Arkers were not as strict on soul mates as the grounders were, but they still took fate seriously and so the gate began to open. Lexa strolled in gracefully, nodding to the Sky People and sending all of her troops but Indra back home.

The latter woman quickly grabs Octavia to train, all of Clarke's friends following after them. This leaves Clarke and Lexa alone, and Clarke silently promises herself to put dirt in their food at dinner.

"Clarke." Lexa nods in acknowledgement. Her arms are crossed behind her back, her body rigid, and the blonde can't help but wonder if she ever relaxes.

"I- Why, I mean...Hello." She murmurs, surprisingly shy. She had already planned to ignore her soul mate, maybe even spit at her again, so it made zero sense to be this awkward.

Lexa's facial expression doesn't change much, but her eyebrow raises a little at the blush that makes it's way to her mate's cheeks. "I see you are in a better mood. I may not get struck today after all."

It takes a second for Clarke to realize that Heda, of all people, is teasing her. Her face is so hot she genuinely considers asking her mother for an ice pack, but instead only responds with "Did it hurt at least a little?"

The brunette, never one to sugarcoat things, says "No, it didn't. I'd assume that the leader of Sky People would be better in combat." She pauses and then hesitantly adds, "I could teach you, if you would like to learn."

Embarrassment spreads through Clarke for what seems like the millionth time. Part of her wants to refuse the offer, but she knows that it'd be smarter to put her pride aside in order to protect her people. "That'd be nice, thank you."

Lexa nods, stands up taller and braces herself. "Hit me."

"What? Now?" Clarke blanches, looking around at everyone in the camp who all seem to be interested in the exchange. "What if they think I'm beating you up and we're, like, actually fighting."

Another slim eyebrow raises. "I am certain that they will notice that I am giving you pointers. Now stop stalling, Clarke."

Said person blushed again as she caught herself staring at her mate's lips as they curved to say her name. She wanted to see the masterpiece again, but she threw a punch at the brunette instead to distract. 

"That was sloppy, Clarke. Try again with focus this time." Lexa said, looking annoyingly put together for someone who just got punched.

"Well, that was pathetic." Murphy laughed as he walked towards them, the rest of the group on his heels.

"Like you could do any better." The blonde mumbled. "I don't remember calling for an audience."

"Please, you couldn't get rid of us if you tried." Octavia grinned, settling down on Lincoln. Clarke watches them for a little too long, feels the loneliness squeeze her once more. 

When she looks back to her mate, she can tell that Lexa noticed the change in her attitude but she doesn't ask about it, only reminds Clarke to punch her.

So she does, and is surprised when Lexa's hand reaches up to grasp hers before it makes contact. "What was that for?"

"Had I let you hit me, you would have broken at least part of your hand. Were you never taught to keep your thumb on the outside?" She doesn't say it in a mean way, just as if she was genuinely confused.

"You have much work to do with this one, Heda." Indra sighs, earning a chuckle from the group.

 

They practiced until it was dusk, and even then they only stopped because Lexa thought her hands were too bruised. Indra and the others left hours ago, and there had been more than a few times since then where Lexa's grip had stayed on her body too long, or where she almost gave into the urge to kiss the brunette.

(She realizes halfway through that she could've had Octavia teach her, but she pushes the thought out of her head.)

"Will you stay with me tonight? It would make my people less suspicious." Lexa asks, hands moving as if to help brush the dirt off Clarke's clothes, but they end up wrapping themselves behind her own back again. The blonde thinks that is probably a really stupid idea, since she can barely control her urges out in the open, never mind inside her mate's tent. But it would definitely help prove their love to the grounders, and so Clarke says yes. Only for her people, of course.

 

After a goodbye to Clarke's friends and a short walk to the grounder settlement, they reach Lexa's tent. She walks inside, holding the flap open for her mate. Clarke stays near the entry, feeling like an intruder. Her mate pays her no mind, opening a large bag and starts packing it with some of her clothes, furs, silk pillows and even containers of food. Clarke makes a confused noise and Lexa elaborates "For when we go back to your tent."

"I'm sorry if my tent doesn't meet your standards." Clarke mutters bitterly before she could stop herself, doing her best to ignore the joy she feels at the word 'we'.

Lexa raises an eyebrow, Clarke thinks that she must really like doing that, before speaking. "These are gifts for you. It will snow soon and I am sure your people are not prepared for winter, so I though it would be wise to bring warmer materials. Does this not please you?" She says the words teasingly, but Clarke can tell that she really does want to please her.

"Yes, of course it does. Thank you. But I'd rather my people have them, they need them mor-"

"My warriors already have plans to bring more to your camp tomorrow."

"Oh, thank you." She says. She feels stupid to thank Lexa so much in one day, especially considering the fact that she still has unresolved hatred towards her but she doesn't know what else to say.

It is quiet until Lexa finishes, standing up and stating. "It is late, Clarke. You should rest." She hands the blonde some of her clothes and turns around to give her privacy. Clarke pulls the long shirt over her head, and it ends mid thigh. She's embarrassed about the hair that sprouts from her legs, even though it's a truly dumb thing to think about when she's trying to prevent a war. She turns around and sees the brunette in a silk nightgown with a slit in the side. She thanks every God she knows that her mate is still turned around and can't see the drool that almost leaves her mouth. She stares, rather creepily, for a full minute before she finally tells Lexa that she's done.

She watches as the powerful Heda sets up blankets on her bed, forming a sort of nest and then lays down on the floor near the opening of the tent. The blonde's heart clinches at the sight of her mate on the dirt, blanket-less but she tells herself to ignore it. She plays memories of her people crying, reminds herself who caused it.

The thoughts work for a while, even if she does keep sneaking glances at her mate. She has no idea how someone could have as much strength as Lexa does. She's never seen her mate complaining, or tired. She doubts the woman's ever cried in her life. But then again, she supposes she doesn't really know her much.

Lexa shivers slightly as the cold wind makes its way into the tent, and Clarke's resolve disappears. "Are you comfortable?"

Lexa turns her head to meet the blonde's gaze. "I am a warrior, Clarke, I am certain I will survive tonight." Clarke isn't sure if the small smile that appears after the words was a trick of the moonlight or not.

"I know that. I just meant- like, you can sleep with me if you want." Blush makes it's way back to her pale cheeks and she hopes it isn't visible in the dim light.

"No, thank you. I will only sleep next to you when you desire me to, not when you feel guilty."

"Youre acting a lot different than yesterday. Doesn't this count as one of my 'duties'," The blonde asked.

"I only said that because I was worried that you were going to anger my people. If you show blatant disrespect like that again, then even I cannot stop them from demanding your death," Lexa continued, "But you may always speak free when we are alone."

Clarke sighed, trying to ignore how annoyed the idea of needing Lexa's 'permission' to do anything made her. She wasn't sure if the commander genuinely believed she did or not, so she opened her mouth to ask. The words stick in her throat and when she does speak, she ends up whispering "Do you?" so low that her mate wasn't sure she heard it. She gives the blonde a questioning look, never one to waste words. "What I meant was, do you want to sleep next to me?"

"When you are ready, yes, Clarke." 

At the commander's words she lets out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She wants her mate to say more, but only silence greets her. "At least take a blanket." She mutters as she throws a few at her.

The blonde turns to face the fabric of the tent, waiting for sleep to claim her mate. It felt weird to be on Lexa's bed; to be apart of such a personal part of an impersonal person's life. The distance between them helps clear her mind, enough for anger to begin clouding it again. She couldn't believe that she let hormones and loneliness dictate how quickly she forgave the brunette. Well, she could actually. That was who she was. Quick to fight, quick to forgive. But this was different. That woman had killed Finn, worse, she'd made Clarke herself kill him. She caused Raven and Anya pain. She killed her people. She expected Clarke to kneel before her, or at least be prepared to. She lead her people too well to be innocent, good.

Clarke hated her.

She turns around to check on said person, and almost receives a heart attack when she sees Finn by her bedside. Like before, he only stares at her but she can still feel his judgement, his pain.

"Dont worry," she mumbles, "I hate her too."

She'd already known that she did, but saying it out loud made it real. She hated her soul mate. Not a regular teenage hate, but the real kind that gnaws at the soul and demands revenge. Upcoming sobs threaten the silence in the tent, so she holds her hand over her mouth so tight that she wonders if she'll have bruises in the morning. Her free hand claws at the arm, leaving bloody trails and raw half crescents on the pale skin.

It wasn't fair. She'd tried so hard and ended up with the one person that made everything so difficult to begin with. She sighed, remembering Raven's words to her yesterday, only mere hours ago really.

"Kill her."

She'd ignored her suggestion at the time- it was suicide after all- but now that she'd lived through the other option, this one didn't seem so bad. She was going crazy, grief twisting inside her, hallucinations blending with reality. This wasn't living, so even if Raven's idea was suicidal then at least she didn't have much to loose.

Maybe Raven would even forgive her. (Maybe she'd even forgive herself.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, kudos/comments are appreciated and prompts are welcome at my tumblr: devotedlydecaffeinatedtyrant


	3. Revenge Is Never A Straight Line (Oh, How I'm Lost)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tries to form her plan, but other things call for her attention.
> 
> Also, Revenge is never a straight line and Clarke might be getting a little lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope you enjoy this.
> 
> Sorry for the long wait, but I had major Clexa writer's block after the awful events of 3x07. (Which I'm still sobbing over.)
> 
> *Unedited*

So, she doesn't have an actual plan.

Or, really any plan.

All she knows when she wakes up is that she's going to kill Lexa. She has to, she promised Finn. It wasn't really him, but it sure as hell felt like it was.

Or course, killing a Commander is a lot easier said than done, she thinks to herself as she turns towards the sound of Lexa and Indra speaking in rushed, low voices. Lexa doesn't look at her, but she must notice that she's woken up, because she quickly dismisses the other woman.

"You're awake." Lexa states, finally turning to look at her once the tent flap closes.

Clarke nods, sitting up. "What were you two talking about?"

"Nothing important." The brunette says stiffly, "Are you hungry?" She gestures towards the food lining the table she sits at.

"It must've been at least a little important for you to discuss it with another in your tent, while your mate sleeps." Clarke smiles as she walks over to Lexa.

The other girl scowls, mouth opening to reply as her eyes scan Clarke's body, clad in only Lexa's shirt. Her gaze reaches the blonde's right arm and her face turns to one of shock. "What happened?" Her eyes widen comically, previous sentence long forgotten.

Clarke looks down at her arm, and it's only then that she remembers clawing at it last night. There are countless half crescents marring the tender flesh, dried blood surrounding all of them. Some overlap, others intercept scratches that are borderline too deep.

They're mesmerizing, and she gets lost in them until Lexa snaps her out of it, sitting her in one of the intricately carved chairs. She kneels in front of the blonde with a rag, grabbing her arm and cleaning it. "How did this happen?"

"I don't know," Clarke speaks stiffly, watching her mate stare up at her, exasperation clear in her features. "I probably had a nightmare."

The other seems to accept the lie, "Do they happen often?"

The blonde wants to roll her eyes, tell Lexa that it isn't her business, that she's the cause of most of them. That they'll probably happen every night now that she's made her kill Finn.

But she knows the commander wouldn't be apologetic in the slightest and she doesn't think she has it in her to deal with that right now. Besides, she has to make Lexa believe she's forgiven her if she expects to be able to kill her. She settles with a simple 'yes'.

Another nod from the brunette. "Are they always this bad?"

Clarke hisses at the sting, "Sometimes." Once her arms done being bandaged, she gently removes it from Lexa's grip. "It doesn't matter, we have more important things to discuss. Like Mount Weather."

"We've already discussed every option, Clarke. The only way we're getting in is if we have an inside man."

The blonde bites harshly at her meat, wishing it was her mate's neck. "I'm not sending Bellamy in there."

Lexa shrugged, face unreadable as she sits down in the chair across from Clarke. "I was not the one who suggested Bellamy. If I recall, he volunteered himself."

Clarke snorted, "Bellamy likes to be a hero. He doesn't know what goes on in there."

The brunette's eyebrow quirks up slightly, "I'm sure he's quite well informed on what--"

Clarke slams her hand down, rattling the glasses on the table. "I am not letting him go in there." Her voice raising with finality.

"You care about him." Green eyes meet blue, which roll at the implication.

"I care about all of them."

"And yet, you worry for him more." The commander's voice raises too, so slightly that Clarke almost doesn't notice it.

"Bellamy and I are not, and have never been together." She notices the disbelief in Lexa's face and adds "He has a mate." to help convince her before she thinks better of it.

Once she realizes what she's said, her jaw drops at her own stupidity as she tries to figure out how to dig herself out of this hole. "I didn't, I usually- I mean... that's not who I am. Well, it is. But it's not. I don't.."

Lexa sits back and watches as she struggles to find words, eventually taking pity on her. "We head back to your camp soon. I'll leave you to get dressed." She states, as she quickly exits the tent.

The blonde sighs, letting her head roll into her hands. That couldn't have gone worse, even if she tried. She takes deep breathes, counting to ten before she pushes herself out of the chair, going to find her clothes.

 

Once they're back at her camp, her mother calls a meeting in the council room.

"Have any of you had any ideas?" Abby asks wearily, looking between Clarke and Lexa constantly. She must have heard the rumours, then. The blonde doesn't make eye contact in an attempt to ignore the obvious, unable to deal with her mother's questions right now. But when she looks over at Lexa, she sees that the commander's eyes never once leave her mother's face, her eyes holding a challenge.

"I think I've figured out how to blow the acid fog, but we'd still need someone inside to actually do it." Raven shrugs, voice void of any emotion- as if she couldn't care less whether they get their friends back or not.

Bellamy speaks next, "I already told Clarke that I'll go."

Said girl's head snaps up. "I already told you we aren't going to send you in."

"What other choice do we have?" Kane asks her.

"I don't know, but this isn't happening." It can't, she's already lost so many people, she can't lose him too. She won't.

"Clarke-"

"No," she huffs, "Think about Murph, Bellamy. You can't do this to him." She's frantic, hoping to strike a chord.

It must work, because he pales at the mention of his mate. He's about to speak until Raven cuts him off. "Since when do you care about people's mates?" Her eyes flicker to Indra and she doesn't continue like Clarke was expecting her to. She sees Anya's hand gripping her good knee tightly and realizes her mate must have warned her about the grounder's beliefs. At least they won't have another war to fight (probably). "I'm gonna get going, lots of work to do." She sighs, grabbing her crutches and turning to leave.

"Wick's been assigned to the job too. Engineer, Farm Station. He should be there already." Abby informs her.

Raven only nods, exiting the room. Anya follows after Lexa nods towards the door, giving her permission.

"I'm going." Bellamy says once more, watching her walk out. "I have to. Murphy will be fine, as long as I come back. Which I will." He says it with confidence, but his eyes tell a different story.

"He's gonna kill you." Octavia whispers, smirking. It doesn't reach her eyes.

"How will you get in?" Lexa questions, leaning against a window. She's engulfed in the sunlight, and Clarke can't help but think her eyes look really pretty like that.

"I can bring him in, I know the way." Lincoln offers.

Octavia glares at him, "Only if I come with you."

"They can go through the tunnels." Indra's voice echoes in the tiny room.

Abby smiles tightly, "So all that's left is for Raven and Wick to figure out how to cut the power. We'll meet again at dawn tomorrow. Bellamy, Lincoln, you should say your goodbyes." They all begin rushing out, "Clarke, wait."

The blonde halts, Lexa staying by her side and Indra stalling near them too.

"I'd like to talk to my daughter alone please, Commander."

The brunette looks between Abby and her mate, seeing the tension in Clarke's shoulders. "I'd rather stay, thank you." She says eventually before turning to Indra. "Go gather the armies of the twelve clans."

Abby waits until she's gone before speaking, "The rumors are true, then?" She asks, still staring at Lexa.

"Yes."

"What is your plan for her?"

"Mom! I'm right here." Clarke groans, ignored by both.

"My plan?"

"Lincoln told me your people's beliefs about soul mates. I want to make sure you're going to take care of her."

"If Lincoln told you of our beliefs, then surely you must already know the answer."

Abby glares at her before continuing. "Are you planning on taking away her free will?"

"I will always listen to Clarke's side before making a decision that involves her." Lexa answers, noncommittal as always.

"Will she be living here, or with you?"

"She may stay where she pleases for now. Once I return to Polis--"

"Stop talking about me like I'm not even here." Clarke speaks again, stepping in between them.

"I was just trying to--"

"Thanks, I really appreciate it mom but we have to get going now. Important war plans and all." She smiles falsely, dragging her mate out of the room.

"You are not supposed to pull me, Clarke."

"Shut up."

"Or say that."

Clarke nods, "Fine, point taken. Do you want to train?" She asks, anger still bubbling inside her.

Lexa shakes her head, "I must return to my camp, inform the generals of our plans. We can train tomorrow, if you'd like. Are you staying with me again?"

Clarke sighs, "Not tonight. I want to say goodbye to my friends." She says the end bitterly, without meaning to.

But Lexa doesn't seem annoyed, only nods before turning to go.

"Lexa...wait." This is it, she thinks, she has to lower her mate's walls somehow.

As soon as the brunette turns around, Clarke closes the space between them, wrapping her arms around the slender woman.

Lexa doesn't hug back at first, so Clarke pulls back, dropping her arms. The commander searches the blue eyes in front of her for a bit before reaching out and pulling the shorter girl back.

"See you tomorrow." Clarke whispers into Lexa's chest.

"And I, you." The commander's hand cups her cheek lightly before she lets her go, marching out of the ark.

The blonde holds her cheek where Lexa had, unsure of whether or not she likes how the tingles dance across her skin. She can still feel the way her name on Lexa's palm pressed into her skin. She catches sight of her mother, hugging the doorway with a small smile on her face.

"I don't want to talk about it." She speaks quickly, rushing out of the doorway herself with her hand still cradling the tingles.

"I didn't think you would." She hears her mother say, laughter in her voice, just before she gets out of earshot.


	4. Try Not To Mistake What You Have (With What You Hate)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy, O and Lincoln leave for mount weather.
> 
> Lexa confronts Clarke.
> 
> *title from C'mon by panic at the disco*

"You just gonna stand there?" Bellamy asks her, smiling sadly.

"Maybe." She doesn't have it in her to pretend, so she's sure that she looks as miserable as she feels. It's isn't like anyone around her looks any better, frowns resting on all their faces. Murphy's got his back to everyone and she's pretty sure that she heard a few sniffles coming from him.

Bellamy opens his arms for her and she falls into them immediately, careful to make sure he doesn't feel the knife she's concealed in her sleeve. Her head lands under his, their knees crashing together. "I'm gonna be okay Clarke."

"You don't know that." She hears a fresh wave of sadness coming from Murphy. Bellamy must catch it too because she feels his Adam's apple bob painfully.

"It isn't like you aren't going to war too."

"I'll have backup."

"They won't even know I'm there."

"Hopefully."

He nods, "I'll be back soon. Just watch over Murphy, okay? And make sure to stop by the radio every once in a while."

"Raven's gonna be there."

This time Bellamy's smile is genuine. "She might be a little preoccupied," At her confusion he elaborates, "They found Kyle. He's the engineer she works with now. Everyone calls him Wick apparently."

Happiness that Clarke doesn't have to fake makes it's way to her face; she knows how long they've been searching for him.

Bell moves onto the last person in the makeshift line, Lexa. Her face reveals nothing as she stares at him. "May we meet again, Belomi."

He leans in even closer to her, whispering something that sounds suspiciously like "take care of her". But Clarke can't be sure, because O and Lincoln are in front of her now, holding hands as they promise to be back before the battle.

When her gaze returns to the two, Lexa's alone again; Bellamy back to holding Murphy.

Her mother and Kane give them a gun, just in case, and then it's over.

They're gone, taking chunks of her with them. All but two of her people, the delinquents, were out of her reach for now (maybe forever if this plan didn't work). Everything she'd done since they landed had been for the group, and here they were, slipping through her fingers all the same.

She sees Lexa looking at her in her peripheral vision. "Come with me." The commander whispers; voice is low enough for the warriors to not hear her, low enough for Clarke to be able to refuse if she wanted.

The blonde's gaze finds her mate's and she agrees before she can think better of it or even ask where they're going; the weapon she carries somehow the last thing on her mind.

 

'Where' turns out to be Lexa's tent, the two settling down in the chairs surrounding the table. They face each other; Lexa rigid as always, Clarke cross legged. She lets her head lean against the furniture, staring at the ceiling until Lexa speaks.

"You are not my first mate." Blue eyes snap to look at her.

"So I've heard." The blonde whispers as neutrally as she can, unsure of the Heda's emotions right now since her face remains as blank as usual.

Lexa nods at that, "I loved her."

"Why are you telling me this?" Clarke questions, not liking how much she already hurts for the woman in front of her.

"Because I know what it is to be weak, Clarke. I know how it feels, what it does." Her eyes shift to the blonde's bandaged arm, "I know how it ruins people." Lexa stands up, crossing the short distance to stop when her knees hit the front of Clarke's chair. Her hands grip the arm rests as she bends over, so close that the blonde feels her breath fan over her own face.

The room must double in temperature, Clarke's palms sweating so much that the commander's must feel it from where they rest, mere centimeters apart. "You don't look very ruined." Her voice wavers.

Lexa's eyes harden. "You do not know me very well, Klark Kom Skaikru. I was young and I thought I was invincible. Perhaps I was. But Costia was not. The Ice Queen took her, tortured her, cut off her head and then delivered it to me." She leans in closer, voice lowering. "Believe me when I say I was ruined. I made reckless decisions. I took risks that were not needed, I didn't take some that were. I had a duty to my people and for a long time I did not fulfill it."

"Are you saying that love is weakness? That I'm weak?" Clarke's face twists and neither are sure if it's from anger or grief. She sits up, placing her head at the same level as her mate's. The action nearly bumps their noses together and, God, Clarke hates how she can't breath.

"Love can be weakness, if you let it consume you. And that is what you are doing now. You're weak, Clarke, but you could be so much more."

The blonde feels the weight of the truth reside over her, but she can't help trying to defend herself. "I have not let--"

Lexa shakes her head and this time their noses do touch. "That is all you have done. You let your love of Finn break the sacredness of soul bonds. You knew he deserved to die and yet you gave him mercy that was not yours to offer; risking all of your people's lives. You let his death distract you. When Bellamy offered to do what was needed, you tried to stop him--even though it risked the lives of everyone in that mountain. And now," Lexa sighs, reminding Clarke of her mom, "you let love convince you to attempt a murder that would only end in war." Once she finishes, her hand swiftly reaches into the blonde's sleeve to pull out the weapon hidden there.

"You knew?" She asks, wide eyed.

"Of course, probably even before you did. You weren't very good at hiding it. Even Indra knows." The commander says, dark laughter in her voice.

Clarke's eyebrows knit together. "If you knew, why didn't you say anything?"

Lexa ignores her, pushing the handle into her grasp. "Do it."

"What?" The blonde blanches.

"There is a guard nearby who hates Skaikru, when you kill me Indra will have him framed. You have my word that you and your people will be safe."

Shock runs through Clarke as she tries to figure out why Lexa is doing this. She has to be lying, but she didn't think the brunette was. Lexa had always been upfront, after all.

When Clarke doesn't move, Lexa lifts the blonde's hand for her, pressing her own throat against the blade."I made you kill Finn. I was going to torture him. I just sent Bellamy to his possible death."

And Clarke does want to slit someone's throat--wants to make it as painful as she can. Tears rush to her eyes as she remembers the blood. Hers, Finn's, Raven's, Murphy's, Bellamy's. All of it on Lexa's hands.

"I don't regret any of it." She continues honestly.

"Lexa, just shut up." Clarke seethes.

"Is this not what you wanted? To kill me?" Lexa ignores her, even as the movement slices her throat slightly.

It's exactly what she wanted. But she can't seem to do it, even now, her fingers twitching uselessly against the handle.

But the thing is, she remembered the blood on her own hands. Hundreds of Lexa's people and even a few of her own. Charlotte, Anya, faces with names she would never know. It soaked her. She'd always tried to do what was right for her people and Lexa had too.

She had never wanted to kill Lexa.

She wanted to kill herself, this girl she didn't recognize but had somehow become anyway.

Her tears finally spill down her face as she throws the damn thing in her grip to her right, unconcerned as to where it ended up. "I can't do it."

The brunette finally straightens up, sitting back in her own chair. "I know."

"That's why you offered?" The blonde asked, too drained to be upset.

She only gets a smirk in response. "What if I had actually done it?"

This time Lexa shrugs, "Then today would be the day my spirit chose it's successor. But anyone who waits as long as you had no plans to begin with."

They let the silence cover them for a while. The pale morning turns into a snowy afternoon but Clarke stays as confused as ever. She didn't hate Lexa. She probably never had.

And where did that leave her? Where did that leave them? It wasn't as if Lexa could just forget that she had planned to kill her.

"Why'd you wait till now to tell me?"

"I was going to give you time to figure things out yourself but Indra thought it'd be best if you had a clear head before we get to Mount Weather."

It was funny how Clarke's head felt more foggy than it ever had before.

"So you...what? Don't care about anyone?" She asks, beating around the bush as curiosity got the better of her.

But the Commander saw right through it. "It's not that I won't ever love you Clarke, I just can not let you become my only priority."

The blonde blushes, not used to talking about feelings so nonchalantly. "Do you wish that I wasn't your mate?"

"This is a good mating for my people; it will stop war, prevent more casualties."

"And for you?"

"What is good for my people is good for me. Besides, we do not yet know each other, mate."

Clarke chuckles lowly, "I guess we don't, huh? I mean, I don't even know you're favorite color." 

"I never saw the point of picking a favorite color." Clarke's shoulders slump a little at that. "But I suppose it would be blue. You both have blue eyes."

Lexa closes her own eyes, and Clarke suddenly feels like the brunette is closer to being centuries older than she is, rather than the measly year actually between them. "Were they like mine?" She finds herself whispering.

Her mate smiles, eyes still closed. "They were exactly like yours."

Costia had eyes like hers. Clarke files this information away with everything else she knows about the girl, which is admittedly not very much.

"Mine's green." Lexa doesn't ask why, but Clarke tells her anyway. "Up in space, I always dreamed of seeing real trees. I thought they were so beautiful. I drew them so much my mother would beg me to do something new."

"I'd like to see one of your trees one day." The blonde smiles, face lighting up. Lexa watches her and returns the gesture.

(Clarke almost forgets how to breath again. If she looked closer, she'd see how the quick rising of her mate's chest matches hers.)


	5. Assembling Your Philosophies (From Pieces of Broken Memories)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mountain men attack Clarke, giving Lexa some déjà vu.

"We shouldn't be stopping." Clarke sighs as her mother brings her horse to a stop.

"You should drink." Abby replies, unbothered, as she crouches down to fill her canteen with water from a nearby puddle.

"I'm fine, mom." Clarke says without getting off of her animal. "We need to get home."

"We'll leave after you drink." Abby insists, holding the water out to her.

Clarke sighs again, hopping down. She takes a small swig before handing it back, a little too forcefully. Her mother was only trying to help, she knew that, but her overbearing tendencies grated against Clarke; especially now that she had to pretend to be under Lexa's thumb. "There. Now let's go, I need to see if--" The rest of her sentence gets cut off by the sound of a gunshot. The two women turn their heads in time to see the bullet hit one of the seconds, Anaba, in the chest.

They hit the floor quickly, the bottom of Clarke's jaw smacking into a rock. Still, she keeps low until it becomes apparent that no more bullets are coming. She looks up to the ridge above them, finding Octavia leaning down. "All clear!" The younger Blake yells towards them, waving them up, before disappearing from view.

"Go help her." Clarke tells her mother, nodding towards the injured girl before she gets up and runs up to the other half of their group.

 

She finds Octavia with her sword against a mountain man's throat. He's wailing, frantically trying to cover a hole in his protective suit.

Indra gives her a command in trigedasleng and then Octavia pulls the man's head further back, her knife slicing the tender skin.

"Octavia, no!" Clarke screams, running towards them. The girl pulls her weapon back reluctantly, throwing him to the ground in disgust. "Check his bag, he should have a patch for his suit." She tells the other girl, stepping over his lifeless partner.

The brunette empties the bag onto the ground. She finds the patch and grabs it quickly, turning to go until she sees a peculiar shade of yellow: the exact shade of Clarke's hair. She moves everything out of the way and finds a photo of Clarke and Lexa with their faces circled. "Clarke, you need to see this." She says, bringing the items to Clarke. "This wasn't random; they were looking for you."

The blonde's eyebrows come together as she stares at the picture. It's hard to tear her eyes away from it, amazed by how much she's changed in so little time, even as Indra starts to speak.

"We have to go inform the commander," The older woman says, "The seconds will escort you back, it is not far." Clarke nods, tucking the photo inside her jacket pocket.

 

 

"You can't take off his suit," Clarke all but yells at Jackson, the man quickly dropping his hold on the clothing. She took a deep breath. They'd only just gotten back to Arkadia, and she'd already had to stop five different people from trying to remove the damn thing.

"How are we supposed to treat him then?" Abby asks, still focused on digging the bullet from Anaba's chest.

To be honest...Clarke hadn't really thought that far ahead. "Um..." Her voice trails off, mind wandering between all the corridors in the Ark, searching for a place to hold him. He couldn't stay in here, obviously. The regular holding cells wouldn't be any good either. Then there's the airlock, which....might actually work. "The airlock, if we reversed the scrubbers--"

"That would work," Abby speaks quickly, flicking blood off her hands. "Go get Raven. Now."

 

"Raven," Clarke exclaims as she leans on the doorway, chest heaving. The room is small, filled to the brim with tools and people.

The mechanic is sitting, body hunched over a stack of papers. Anya's sitting cross legged on the table, absentmindedly braiding the end of Raven's ponytail. She's rolling her eyes at whatever Wick's just said, the man spewing out the names of every acid Clarke's ever heard of and quite a few that she hasn't.

They all turn their heads at the intrusion, completely synchronized. "Clarke?" Raven asks, confused but thankfully not angry.

"We were attacked," She explains, Anya instantly on her feet with her hand gripping a knife that she hadn't noticed before. "On our way back. We have Emerson hostage but he's-- I need you to rig the airlock scrubbers so we can treat him. Please."

Raven stares at her for a second, not entirely unkind, before agreeing. She pulls a piece of paper out of one of the stacks, hurriedly scribbling something down. She thrusts it out to Wick, "Grab this and meet me there."

He takes it from her without speaking, jogging out of the room. Raven's rushing about, shoving random items into a bag that her mate holds open for her.

"Is there anything you want me to do?" Clarke asks, not missing the way the girl winces as she moves.

"We're still mapping the mountain. And the radio needs to be manned." She tells her, crossing the room to the door. She looks to the corner and Clarke follows her gaze to find Murphy tucked away. His head's on a tiny desk near the radio, cushioned by Raven's jacket. "He's supposed to be doing it but honestly I don't think he's gonna hear it." She smiles at him slightly, and then she's gone.

The blonde redirects her attention to the sleeping boy, who whimpers quietly in his sleep. She attempts to ignore him, reading one of Raven's lists. Eventually, though, he gets louder and she takes pity on him. "Hey, wake up." She mumbles, shaking him gently.

He doesn't wake easy, eyes flying open with a strangled sound. He flinches away from her outstretched hand and she quickly pulls it back, holding both up in a nonthreatening gesture. "It's just me."

He squints at her, mind still hazy. "Fuck." He exhales, running a hand through his greasy hair. "How long was I out?"

"I'm not sure; I just got here." He looks around sleepily, as if he just noticing the trio's absence.

"Where'd they go?"

She recounts the events of the last few hours to him, pausing every now and then to answer a question. "How's it been here?"

"Not nearly as interesting as your day" He smirks ruefully, "Just a bunch of radio silence."

They hear a knock, firm but not too loud, and crane their necks towards the sound.

Lexa stands at the entrance, two guards standing stiff behind her. "Clarke, Murphy." She tilts her head, greeting them. Her voice is calm and measured as always, but her eyes are wide, scanning Clarke's body desperately. Even then, the change is barely noticeable.

The sight of her twists Clarke's gut in a way she doesn't recognize.

"Well, that's my cue." Murphy laughs, patting the blonde's shoulder as he passes her.

The commander's eyes never leave Clarke as he exits. "This is Uzac, one of my best warriors. He shall accompany you on your travels from now on, whenever I cannot." Once she's done speaking she lifts her hand dismissively and both grounders nod in respect before leaving themselves.

Clarke waits a few seconds to make sure they're out of earshot before speaking. "I don't need a guard."

Lexa's lips twitch ever so slightly. "Yes, you do. The mountain men will strike again."

"I survived this time; I can do it again." She insists, making her way to the stool near the radio.

"Luck," The commander explains, "and the help of my people."

Clarke groans but doesn't push it anymore. Lexa was right, after all. She knew she had no survival skills to speak of, and the only way she could make sure her people got out safe was if she was alive.

Lexa walks closer, coming to stand near her mate. She leans against the table, staring at the contraption. "Any word from Bellamy?" 

The blonde shakes her head, resting her temples on her arms.

"I'm certain he's alright, Clarke." Lexa tells her honestly, voice unwavering.

"I'm not." She says quietly, letting her eyes slip closed. Her lack of sleep, mixed with the events of today, made it difficult to keep them open.

"Bellamy's a warrior." Her voice is soft and unfocused. It gets quiet after that, both of them waiting.

But Clarke's never been good at waiting and soon enough she's up again, eyes still drooping, looking through Raven's notes. "What does this even mean?" She mumbles to herself, hardly understanding any of the complicated terms.

"You should get some rest." Lexa speaks, now sitting on the stoll herself. Her back is so stiff Clarke has to wonder how she manages it.

"I'm not really tired," She lies, picking up one of the neon markers near the board. "Besides, Raven could use the help."

"Is there anything _you_ need help with?"

Clarke looks up from the map, locking eyes with the brunette. The question feels too loaded to answer so she ignores it, asking one of her own instead. "Can I ask you something?"

Her soulmate doesn't answer, but she quirks her eyebrow in a "go on" manner.

"I...when you came in, you looked...upset--why?"

She watches as Lexa's throat bobs, notices how she doesn't look her in the eye anymore. Instead she walks over to one of the many books, flipping the papers nervously. "I _was_ upset." The commander admits, "I should have known you would need a guard-- it was foolish of me not to assign you one in the first place."

"This isn't your fault, Lexa."

"My people may not be as kind as you are."

"They'd blame you for the mountain men's actions?"

"They'd blame me for not protecting you--and them-- from those actions, yes "

She's stunned into silence for a second. "But--"

"No, Clarke. It was my duty and I failed. I deserve any dissent that should come of this."

"I guess I just don't understand. One mistake would turn them against you?"

Lexa is quiet for so long that Clarke figures she isn't going to answer. She stares at her until she sees the slight shaking of her fingers against the paper and then she quickly tears her eyes away-- despite how intriguing it was to see the woman with actual emotion. It was easy to forget that Lexa was capable of that sort of of thing-- that she was just a girl, barely older than Clarke.

But Lexa's emotion wasn't something that Clarke was entitled to, so she forces her eyes to stay forward, taking in Wick's drawing and adding in things she'd noticed from her time there.

"It wouldn't be my first failure." The brunette whispers, and Clarke still doesn't look at her. She's afraid of what she'll find. Even when she hears her the girls footsteps headed towards the door her eyes stay glued in front of her. "I've made this mistake before."

Clarke thinks back to Costia, of the stories she's heard about her. She was a healer. She was tortured. She was dead. Her capture must have been due to a lack of guard. Which was technically Lexa's fault, but it wasn't really. She gets it though, understands how it's hard to forgive yourself.

Lexa's thinking of Costia too-- of everything she ever knew about her. Her hands were always gentle. Her hair was long, but always braided.

She liked to take long, unsupervised walks through the village and sometimes beyond.

"You don't have to go, you know." Clarke mumbles, cheeks burning. The words didn't feel wrong necessarily, just far too big for her mouth.

Lexa had always tried to help her, though, so she owed it to her to return the sentiment. 

The commander remembers a time when Costia said that to her. It's almost funny, how different they are. Costia would've said it kinder, meant it more.

She would've wanted Lexa to stay, to let Clarke comfort her until the weight constantly residing on her shoulders lifted, even if only a little bit.

But she's dead now.

When her head was delivered to Lexa, she had trails of makeup and tears dripped down her face. Titus tried to tell her that it was fake, that the Ice Queen must have painted it on to get to her.

Even then, she knew he was right. Even now, it still doesn't matter.

She tries to shake the memories out of her head. It was one thing to comfort Clarke, as a mate should. It was quite another to be weak in front of her. She had a war to wage, and she wouldn't let emotions get in the way of that.

She gets a quick image of Clarke, broken and bloody, in a box.

Not again. _Never again._

She enters the hallway, finding Uzac waiting. She gestures vaguely in the direction of her mate. She'd like to tell him where to find her, in case Clarke needed her, but she doesn't trust her voice. She's sure it'll be fine though, Clarke is determined enough to be able to track her down if she pleases. Her eyes follow him into the room, making sure the girl's protected.

Once he's ducked inside, her hands bunch up her shirt, eyes going to the ceiling as she fights the urge to go back. Clarke was already breaking under the weight of her own problems. Lexa would be doing her no favors by adding to the pile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry it's been so long! Hope you all enjoyed :)
> 
> *Unedited for now*

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, please leave kudos or comment if you want another chapter for Clexa!
> 
> Feel free to submit any prompts or ideas at my tumblr: http://devotedlydecaffeinatedtyrant.tumblr.com/ (I'm always feedback thirsty)


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